Girlfriend Experience

Dear Frankie,

I'm devastated. My girlfriend left me for my best friend. I don't know what to do. I can't eat. Or sleep. There's a knot in my stomach that makes me want to puke. How can I get past this feeling?

Signed,

Lost

Dear Lost,

Now you're found. Here's the real deal that those 'other' advice columnists won't tell you: you're fucked. Seriously. You got that "I used to love her but I had to kill her" Guns and Roses vibe going on. It's time to go into lockdown to process emotions.

It's not the time to hit the town with pals who are trying to cheer you up. It's time to get a fat bag of catnip, snarf some greens, and take good hard look at the people around you. She left you for your best friend? Good. Now you have better insight into who your real friends are.

Get the blender out and make a drink. I like one can of chicken pate blended with one can of water. That's a good freaking drink. But that's just me - you do you.

OK - we've had some greens, made a drink, took at look at the people that surround us... Now get on with your life and find a new lover. unless you don't want one. You do you. Oh - that pit in your stomach? It'll go away with time. I know it sucks, but it's something everyone deals with at one time or another. Deal with it, and it'll pass. Eventually.

Maybe ya write a joke about it:

"Did ya hear about the new special at the Nevada brothels? You give a chick $500 and she sleeps with your best friend. It's called 'The Girlfriend Experience.'"

But the best bet is to see a real therapist instead of writing to a cat.

Hang in there!